Be gentle of heart and of speech [3:159]

Our relationships are central to our well-being. Whether it’s our family, friendships, marriages, or communities, the quality of our connections has a profound impact on our mental, emotional, spiritual and even physical health. Research consistently shows that strong, healthy relationships contribute to lower stress levels, increased happiness, and greater resilience in the face of life’s challenges. And conversely, stress in our close relationship greatly negatively impacts our wellbeing.

Islam places immense emphasis on the importance of maintaining and nurturing our relationships. Our vertical relationship with Divinity both impacts and is impacted by the quality of our horizontal relationship with creation. When we are peace in our relationships with each other, it is easy to focus spiritually and when we are connected to Him, it is easier to be kind and forgiving and just. Can you see that?

The Quran is filled with wisdom on how to interact with kindness, resolve conflicts, and strengthen the bonds that hold us together. Over the next few days, we will turn to the Quran for guidance on how to build and sustain fulfilling relationships.

Today, let us remind ourselves of the power of gentleness and mercy in our interactions.

In verse 159 of Chapter 3, Sura Aal e Imran, Allah [swt] tells the Holy Prophet [saw]:

فَبِمَا رَحْمَةٍ مِّنَ اللّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمْ وَلَوْ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ الْقَلْبِ لاَنفَضُّواْ مِنْ حَوْلِكَ فَاعْفُ عَنْهُمْ وَاسْتَغْفِرْ لَهُمْ

Thus it is due to mercy from Allah that you deal with them gently, and had you been rough, hard hearted, they would certainly have dispersed from around you; pardon them therefore and ask pardon for them [3:159]

It highlights a key principle in maintaining relationships: gentleness and kindness in speech and demeanor. Even the most well-intentioned advice or leadership can fall flat if it is delivered with harshness.

The Prophet (saw) was tasked with uniting people of different temperaments, backgrounds, and levels of faith. What made him so successful was not just his truthfulness, but also the way he delivered his message—with mercy, leniency, and patience.

This verse came down after the battle of Uhud and refers to the Holy Prophet(saw)’s demeanor with his companions after the disaster on the battlefield of Uhud when some companions flagrantly disobeyed him. The Prophet did not reproach them harshly although the disobedience had led to a major defeat for the Muslims.

By all standards of military command and submission to leadership, the expectation was these rogue companions would be dealt with severely for leaving their posts in the midst of battle, thereby turning a near victory into defeat for the Muslims.

The Holy Prophet [saw], however, continued the wise course of action, continued to do the right thing and continued to treat people with kindness.

Here the Quran testifies to the gentle nature of the Prophet (saw) which endeared him to all, and it is reckoned as one of the Mercies of Allah. One of the Prophet's titles is "A Mercy to all Creation." At no time was this gentleness, this mercy, this long-suffering with human weaknesses, more valuable than after a disaster like that at Uhud.

We can learn so much from this part of the verse.
In life we often deal with people [in the family, community, at work and beyond] who challenge our ego by not following advice or guidance, who do things that cost them, and sometimes us, dearly. That bruise our ego and lead us to become defensive and aggressive. It is oh so very tempting in that situation [especially if we have more power, resources and influence than them] to act by reacting with the hurt to our ego.

Justifying ourselves and telling them "I told you so" are just a couple of examples of unhelpful behaviour in such a situation.

However, this never works because it will
1. not help the situation
2. not help them learn – it will simply divert their energies to defending themselves from our words
3. will alienate them from us
4. we will be reacting based on their behaviour and not our principles or values [meaning we will not be satisfied with our own behaviour]

This verse reminds us that positions of leadership [within and outside our homes] require that we have the emotional maturity and wisdom not to react or retaliate to other’s actions.

So what can we do?

1. Remind ourselves of our intention and our goal
2. Remind ourselves of our principles and values
3. Remind ourselves that all humans [including ourselves] make mistakes
4. Ask ourselves what would help this situation
5. Consider options for our action based on the above

And, then, as the verse reminds us:

6. Pardon them and
7. Ask forgiveness for them

And yes, none of this easy AND it is the only path which allows us to exemplify self-leadership and qualifies us to lead others.

 Whether it’s parenting, marriage, friendships, or community leadership, the way we speak to and treat others determines whether they are drawn closer to us or are pushed away. If the Holy Prophet [saw] could not get away with being harsh, can we expect that it will be different for us?

The Psychological Impact of Harshness and Criticism

Let us try and understand why harsh words and criticism do not inspire change—they trigger emotional flooding.

What is emotional flooding? It’s the body’s stress response when we feel attacked, overwhelmed, or criticized. When someone is harsh with us—whether through words, tone, or body language—our nervous system perceives it as a threat. Our brain shifts into self-protection mode rather than connection mode. Instead of listening and responding thoughtfully, we:

• Defend ourselves("That’s not true! I didn’t do anything wrong!")
• Shut down(withdraw, become silent, or avoid the person)
• Fight back(attack with criticism of our own)

In this state, our heart rate increases, our stress hormones surge, and the logical part of our brain becomes less active [in fact, it can go "offline"]. Instead of fostering understanding, the conversation spirals into conflict or disconnection.

When we are harsh, we don’t just harm relationships—we shape the emotional habits of those around us. People treated with harshness learn to respond with either fear or aggression. On the other hand, when we approach others with softness and wisdom, we encourage emotional openness, trust, and growth.

This is why the Quran emphasizes leniency and mercy in communication. People are more likely to listen, trust, and connect when they feel safe, respected, and valued. When we continue to value people despite their mistakes and missteps, it also allows them an opportunity to self-reflect and correct their behaviour rather than spending all their energy on defending themselves.

How do we communicate in difficult moments?

• When correcting or advising someone, do we pause to consider howour words might be received?
• Have we ever noticed ourselves shutting down or getting defensive when criticized? How did it affect our ability to stay connected?
• How can we practice gentle firmness—addressing issues without causing emotional flooding in ourselves or others?

Practical Steps to Apply This Verse

1. Choose the Right Moment:If emotions are high, take a break before having a difficult conversation.
2. Use a Gentle Start Up:Instead of "You always…" or "You never…," try "I feel…" or "I noticed…"
3. Practice Pardon & Forgiveness:When someone reacts defensively, pause and offer reassurance. This helps bring their nervous system back to calm.
4. Be Mindful of Tone & Expression:Sometimes, it’s not what we say, but how we say it that causes the damage.
5. Seek Connection, Not Victory:Conversations are about understanding, not proving who is right.

Today, let’s reflect on how our words and tone impact those around us. Are we helping others feel safe and connected, or are we unintentionally pushing them into self-protection mode? The Quran reminds us that true strength lies in softness.

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Wishing you a day full of spiritual fulfillment, positivity, purpose and peace.