Stop the blame game [7:23]

What happens when something goes wrong in our lives? Do we find it easy to take responsibility for our part in the situation or are we tempted to blame something or someone else for what has happened.

Blame is seductive. It’s easy, immediate, and often feels justified. It feels vulnerable and uncomfortable to accept responsibility for something that has gone wrong, an unsound decision or harm caused to ourselves or someone else. It is so much easier to look outside of ourselves and point the finger outwards rather than inwards.

Research in psychology has discovered something rather interesting: many of us tend to take the credit if things go well in life but put blame on others when things go bad. This is called the self-serving bias.

While tempting and understandable, blaming others comes with a cost. Beneath the surface of blame lie powerful barriers to our growth, peace, and potential.

Psychologists have discovered that blaming others is actually a form of emotional avoidance. When we feel guilt, shame, or frustration, blaming someone else allows us to escape those uncomfortable emotions—at least temporarily. Blaming is essentially a defense mechanism "aimed at protecting the blame-shifter’s fragile ego from being overwhelmed with negative emotions such as guilt and shame". Psychologists refer to this as projection: a defense mechanism that shifts the focus away from our own faults by pointing fingers outward.

Blame is so seductive because when we blame others,

• We feel ethically superior and to the other party.
• We protect our own ego from feeling uncomfortable feelings and
• We avoid responsibility.Facing our shortcomings can be painful, and blame is the go-to way to prevent this pain. With blame, we do not have to face our mistakes or the opportunity for learning and growth.

But while blame may bring momentary relief, it creates long-term stagnation. When we blame others, we:

• Avoid facing our own role in a situation
• Give up our power completely in the situation – if we have no impact on the situation, we have no role to change it or to grow from it
• Stay emotionally stuck in the past
• It prevents us from feeling the feelings of hurt which are an essential step to healing
• It robs us of growth. Blame is the number one excuse in the world. It keeps us small, prevents us from learning, and blocks the possibility of becoming who we were meant to be

As one study noted, individuals who struggle with emotional regulation are more likely to shift blame to others when feeling negative emotions. But in doing so, they block their own healing and personal development.

The Qur’an, the teachings of the Ahlul Bayt (as), and modern psychology all warn us of the dangers of blame—and invite us instead toward a life of responsibility, empowerment, and emotional liberation. They teach us to face hardship with introspection, not projection.

Imam Ali (as) for example, said: "Beware of making excuses, for they are the companions of failure." (Ghurar al-Hikam, Hadith 1932). He also said: The blamer should not blame anyone but himself. (Ghurar al-Hikam, Hadith 9129)  

The Prophetic vs. Satanic Mindset 

The Qur’an gives us two interesting and powerful examples in response to failure:

When Prophet Adam (as) and Sayyada Hawa, ate of the tree and were told now it was time for them to leave Jannah, they immediately turned to Allah with humility and said:

قَالاَ رَبَّنَا ظَلَمْنَا أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمْ تَغْفِرْ لَنَا وَتَرْحَمْنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ الْخَاسِرِينَ

[Sura Al-A’raf 7:23] They said: Our Lord! We have been unjust to ourselves (wronged ourselves), and if You forgive us not, and have (not) mercy on us, we shall certainly be of the losers.

Similarly, when Prophet Yunus (as) found himself in the belly of the whale, he cried out:

أَن لَّا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنتَ سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنتُ مِنَ الظَّالِمِينَ

[Sura Al-Anbiya 21:87] There is no god but You, glory be to You; surely I am of those who make themselves to suffer loss.

These words reflect a powerful mindset: rather than blaming others or circumstances, they acknowledged their role and sought change. If we believe we have no control, we remain stuck. But when we recognize our agency, we open the door to transformation.

Let us compare this attitude of accountability and humility with the response of Shaytan when called out by Allah [swt]. Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, he turns to Allah [swt] and blames Him instead:

قَالَ رَبِّ بِمَا أَغْوَيْتَنِي لأُزَيِّنَنَّ لَهُمْ فِي الأَرْضِ وَلأُغْوِيَنَّهُمْ أَجْمَعِينَ

[Surah Al-Hijr 15:39] He said My Lord, because You have put me in error, I will surely make disobedience attractive to them on earth, and I will mislead them all

He not only blames God, but in a sense wows revenge by saying that as a "penalty" he will mislead others.

The difference couldn’t be clearer:

• The Prophetic mindset is: "I have wronged myself. I must change."
• The Satanic mindset: "This isn’t my fault. Someone else is to blame." [and "I will show you"]

One path leads to accountability, empowerment, growth and forgiveness. The other leads to arrogance and destruction.

The first step to accepting responsibility is to recognize that we are not always at fault for what happens to us, especially in cases of injustice. However, we are always responsible for how we respond to any given set of challenges.

Stopping the blame game is the beginning of emotional maturity, spiritual depth, and inner peace. Allah, in His infinite wisdom, created us with the ability to choose how we respond. When we blame others, we give away that power. But when we take ownership, we walk the path of the Prophets.

So, when we are tempted to blame someone, let us:

• Pause and ask: What role did I play in this situation?What can I do differently?
• Reflect: What is within my control?
• Consider: How can I take responsibility for my happiness, healing, and next steps?

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Wishing you a day full of spiritual fulfillment, positivity, purpose and peace.